Nobody knows who I am. I heard that line in a movie tonight with Harrison Ford. He had just started an affair with a woman in her forties. Just before they made love, she looked at him and said “nobody knows who I am”. I feel like that – a lot. Nobody knows who I am – not my husband. Not my kids. Sometimes not even me. I’ve been in a marriage for over 35 years and still nobody knows who I am. I got married when I was 17 and I’m still married to the same man. After going through all kinds of hell with him, now he’s only interested in what interest him. And unfortunately I’m not what he’s interested in. Oh we still have sex 2 or 3 times a month with my body on autopilot reaching orgasm like clockwork. I know some women would be grateful for that, but I’m not. It’s so routine…no excitement, barely any foreplay. Just me spreading my legs and bingo, bango, I come. It’s so predictable! But that’s not what I wanted to talk about – not yet.
I look at myself in the mirror and nobody knows who I am, and sometimes that includes me. I haven’t figured it out yet. What do i want? I want to be married, just not the marriage I’ve got. How does a woman 50 & holding continue to feel vital and alive? I’m not ready for the red hat society and I can’t quite drop it like its hot. But I’m still vital with a lot to give. I am still all woman – 50 & Holding.